“I am still learning. When I am able to move from a space of inquiry within the world around me, instead from a place of all-knowing, I open up the possibility to invite growth in. There is usually a shade of anxiety that is attached to not having all the answers — where our fear craves certainty and something concrete. What is often overlooked is that there is so much freedom living in the unknown. It’s here, in the wide open space, we hold the power to create something that has yet to exist.” A sweet reminder to stop and smell the flowers.
WHAT a strange time we are living in. Honestly the weirdness has yet to really sink in for me. I am still waking up every single day thinking how crazy this is, how much I miss my friends and brother who I haven’t seen, and the fact that the entire world is experiencing the same issue.
Are you loving this change of pace? Or are you counting down the hopeful minutes until you can get back to your normal past routine?
I’ll let you in on a little secret:
I am loving this time right now.
For so many years I always felt that I didn’t have TIME. I didn’t have time to stay at home and see my friends and family for long enough, our training block was always too quick with Team Canada and before we knew it we were jetting off around the world for a month or two, the one day off was too short to recover, the visit never felt long enough, the list goes on.
That was until a couple of years ago I was at the lowest of lows in my mental health battle. My body effectively said ENOUGH! and I was forced to really look at how I was spending my time and how I was living my life. Am I happy? Is this pace healthy or sustainable? Those were two questions that I always came back to. Since then, my season to season in athletics has looked differently than the beginning of my National team and professional career.
Typically you start Team Canada at the end of April or beginning of May. If your professional season abroad ends prior to the start date, you can MAYBE squeeze out a week before showing up to training camp. If your pro team goes later or you’re in playoffs with a bazillion rounds and finish during or after the start date of training camp, you might only receive a couple days at home to see your family (after 8 months abroad). Then it’s Richmond (was Winnipeg) for the summer. Usually, Team Canada goes from May until September. Think a school season. Meanwhile, during some unknown point in the summer my teammates and I will have signed a contract that will decide where we will go in the fall. We usually leave straight from the last Team Canada tournament (which is always abroad) to fly to Europe and start with our new team.
During the summers, we are training 6 days a week but typically only in our home base for a few weeks and then we are flying to Dominican Republic, Argentina, Japan, Italy, or wherever else the tournament is. There are times we are on the road for six weeks.
Sounds a bit busy right?
In the summer we hope to receive a week or two off consecutively. Unfortunately, those years before I took action, I was coming home during those weeks unable to move, let alone think. I would hunker down in my parents house on the Sunshine Coast and not leave until the week was up and the next phase of training was upon me. It was usually after a tough few months traveling the world so I was exhausted anyways. I was completely burnt out dealing with severe depression and anxiety but I thought that I was just depleted from the training (which I was, but in a veeerrrryyyy unhealthy way).
SO. What did I do?
I went against the grain of what I should be doing which was going from Team Canada to an 8 month European season for the rest of my career.
I wish it wasn’t at my rock bottom where I figured this all out but hopefully YOU will be able to learn something from my story.
I needed rest.
“Season of Becoming: do not fast forward into something you’re not ready for. or allow yourself to shrink back into what’s comfortable. growth lives in the uneasiness. the in-between. the unfinished sentence. you are a season of becoming.”
I said no to bigger and fancier contracts abroad and gave myself a month off after National Team before signing a contract. I went to Indonesia for a shorter season, Peru was shorter and with my teammate Alicia Perrin (which was my favourite season for obvious reasons), and recently went to Puerto Rico where I would only have played for just over four months if the league followed through.
This was how I stood up for myself and it has made astronomical improvements in my career and mental health.
This was hard for various teammates and coaches to see. We have been so engrained to “keep moving” to “keep going” to “push through.” And of COURSE sometimes that is exactly what you need to do. But you need to be so aware of your breaking point and your total health as not just an athlete but as a human. Are you always getting sick (up until last year I spent at least a week either extremely sick at home or in a hospital bed in ever single season I played abroad)? Are you always getting injured? It may be time to really sit down and look at the holistic health side of things: hobbies, rest, sleep, nutrition, connection. These things cannot be ignored.
This is a very long winded explanation for me to say that this slower pace of life is really serving me. Being given space to read and write, connect with Rudy and other close family members in our circle, connect with far away friends in different ways, create, clean, move, has been beyond wonderful.
Of course, some days are harder than others. Some days are easier than others to find the lessons and blessings I am given. Not being able to hug people is TOUGH for me. Not being able to gather my friends together is HARD.
But I am so certain that this is going to be a pivotal time in our society and in YOUR life if you let it. I know that you have wished for time to read and clean and organize and have an opportunity to spend more time with your kids. I know that you’ve said that somewhere down the line the past few years. Heck, maybe most of your life. WELL. What are you waiting for?
What has been on your list? What has been tugging at your heart strings? Have you always wanted to learn to cook a bomb brunch? Learn another language? Organize your pantry with fun jars and labels? Paint your dining room? Build a tree fort? Plant a garden? Read those books you ordered 3 years ago? Start working out again? Connect with your spouse more deeply? Teach your dog how to roll over? Hike that mountain?
Holy moly the list is endless. You don’t need to make a HUGE change. But I would argue and encourage you to pick a couple of things you have always wanted to do or try. And THAT will make a huge change in your life, I guarantee it. Happiness in the small, day to day things is the priority right now. And before things start slowly open up in our towns and cities, PLEASE reflect on what has been working for you. What you learned during this time. And a few things you are going to bring in to your daily life. Remember: happiness is the goal.
Learn from me.
Your rest is important. The opportunities to fill your soul with grace and gratitude are beyond important. Your health is important. Find what serves you and take that into the next phase of this covid-19 season. There is always room to grow. There is always something to learn. Let’s take these things into the new season and allow it to play a pivotal role in your life moving forward.
Take a moment to pause, breathe, and rest. BE. Allow yourself to be here in all that you are, in this moment — and know that it is enough.
Huge love to you,
Kyla
PS I would LOVE if you commented on some of the biggest things you’ve learned thus far. Are you loving this slow season or are you dying to get back to a normal routine? What challenges have you faced? What things do you want to take with you moving forward? Let me know! x
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