Before jumping into this mental health series I thought about starting, I want to first talk about grief. This is the thing that really kick started… everything for me. Experiencing the rawest form of grief when my brother passed away in 2013 was the hardest and loneliest I have ever been in my life.
The earth shattering shock that rippled through mine and my family’s life was almost too much to overcome. And will we ever overcome? I believe the answer is no. We do not overcome such things as grief but merely allow it to wash over us, to surrender, and bring it with us as a part of our future self.
Unexpected grief of course, gives us no room to plan. It gives us no time to prepare.
We are left utterly shocked. The best image I can give is if we were walking to a job interview in downtown (Vancouver of course) on a beautiful sunny day, and suddenly a car drives by and a HUGE puddle absolutely drenches us. We are left standing there, horribly afraid, confused, and bewildered. How did I get soaked when the sun is shining? If only I went the other way around the block. Stupid driver didn’t even look where they were going — what an idiot. Okay please LORD let there be a store around the corner so I can change. But what’s even the point? I’m not even that qualified and there’s just no way that they’re going to hire me I might as well go home and binge the rest of Tiger King. Although I already came all the way to downtown and I might as well just give it a try, you never know what’s going to happen. And maybe the wet outfit will provide some comic relief.
In all upsetting situations it is possible that we find ourselves going through the stages of grief. And I think that right now, during this unique situation, we are all bonded in that. God just poured down on our normal, downtown Vancouver, sunny interview day. We are all standing there soaked to the bone wondering what the heck just happened.
And although this time is nothing like what I experienced with the death of my two best friends, my brother, and other loved ones, we are still somewhat going through phases of grief. Grief is what kickstarted my path to living in the world how I wanted to. To taking each day as it comes. To attempting to live more in the present.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with what we lost. Let’s dive into those shall we?
The five stages of grief:
1. Denial
This is said to be the first stage of grief. After losing a loved one this is most often what we will immediately feel. We are shocked. We can’t believe it. “How is this happening.” It helps us survive the loss because we are not likely not ready to truly comprehend anything in that moment. This helps us pace our feelings; we feel numb, shocked, and think life is meaningless or overwhelming.
I hope that many of us are through this phase in terms of the present crisis, but I doubt that you didn’t go through it. Denial: “Covid-19 is just a conspiracy” “If you get sick it’s just a cold, I don’t know what the big deal is” “There’s no chance I’m getting sick” etc. etc.
2. Anger
I’m mad at the person who died. I’m mad at my family. I’m mad at my friends. I’m mad at God. This doesn’t make sense and why did this even happen. Anger is structure to our grief. It gives it somewhere to go, something tangible to hold on to. This is where feelings of desertion and abandonment thrive. Nobody understands how I’m feeling.
Who have you blamed for this virus? The government? Travellers? Americans? Trump? Who are you getting mad at? Your roommate? Your spouse? These flair ups just mean that grief is under the surface and often, this feels better than to be feeling nothing at all.
3. Bargaining
Bargaining with God for something better. What are you going to give up if only he will grant you this one wish. We become lost in the “if only” and “what if” statements and mourn how life used to be. The normalcy of life when we didn’t think we had any real problems.
If only the virus was contained quicker. If only we weren’t traveling a few weeks ago. If only the government imposed stricter curfews. “God if you fix this tomorrow I promise to help others for the rest of my life.” I just miss my normal life and I want things to go back to the way they were.
4. Depression
Ah depression my old friend. Personally, depression felt like grief was digging itself into my bones. My soul ached. There was literally nothing that would or could make me feel better. And if I do for a moment, it was so fleeting I would assume it wasn’t even there. Depression feels like it will last forever and it feels as though you will never feel happy again. We withdrawn from life, from our friends and family, we stop eating well, stop showering, and wonder if there’s even a point?
Depression is a appropriate response to anything tragic in life. It may be a depressive situation, which this virus situation can be viewed as such. A painful and not very fun stage, we may all find ourselves in depressive feelings during this time. Remember, that is so okay. Listen to your body and let it rest, let is mourn, but just don’t let it go on for too long. There are still things we can do to find joy and comfort in our days. We can still communicate with our loved ones. Know this is just a necessary stage and it will not last forever if you find tools to help you through.
5. Acceptance
Okay, friends. It’s time to accept reality. Some people may still be moving through these grief stages and that’s okay… we all find our way in our own time. But during this stage, in this particular season, we will realize that we can’t control anything here. We can only control ourselves; our mindset, our day to day schedule, and our health (ie. being smart and safe to protect others). At first we may try (oh so very hard) to keep life as it once was but eventually see that lifestyle cannot be maintained. We will accept this. We will find ways to cope with our new norm. Yes, we can still miss those large family gatherings, and mourn the loss of upcoming summer weddings, but we will plan, we will find new creative ways to connect, and we will all be okay. Like dealing with the loss of a loved one, this stage may simply look like having more good days than bad. Perfectly perfect? Never. But we will start to listen to our needs and as evolving humans we will move, change, and grow through it.
We do not enter and leave these stages in a beautifully, neat and tidy linear pattern. On the contrary, they state that we “forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.” Friends, this is so hard. Nobody in history has had to deal with something like this. And the scariest thing (for me at least) is the unknown. It has never happened before so we have no precautionary measures. Nobody can really guess what comes next. At least, nobody knows for certain. We have to accept that and become okay with our present day to day.
What can we do?
Lets use this time to connect. BLESS the technology we are so lucky to have in this day and age. Let’s continue to invest in our friendships.
Listen to your body. Does it want to go sprint hills? Does it want to lay on the floor in total silence for 35 seconds? Does it want to try a yoga class? Find new ways to move and love your body each day.
I am obviously not a psychologist but I have a lot of experience in the realm of grief. Not only have I been experiencing this for what seems like most of my life, I am still navigating through it today. Because this covid-19 season isn’t even close to being a fraction of the pain I endured during the loss of my brother Connor, I am empathetic to those who have not experienced a big loss, and are therefore feeling overwhelmed by this sudden change of lifestyle. Even if you are no stranger to grief, if you are feeling horribly overwhelmed, sad, lonely, unproductive, and an array of other unwanted feelings, that is SO OKAY. We truly are all in this together.
Know that these stages of grief can act as tools to help you identify and potentially frame what you may be feeling. Through my losses, it was comforting for me to read up on these stages to know that the feelings I was having were completely normal and that there may be a light on the other side. Know that you are unique, you will go through these stages in your own time and maybe jump back and forth between a few or stay longer at some than the others. Your life before this global crisis was unique. Your life at this moment is unique. How you will react to this crisis is unique.
Everything is unique but we’re in this together. Find the little joys of the day, my friends. And please reach out to me; let me be a sounding board to your thoughts and a resource to help you through this time.
I love you all. Hang in there — you got it!
And if you’re needing an extra love and support, allow me to slide right into your inbox whispering sweet sweet nothings along the way. Okay, less creepy, more good vibes, I promise. Be the first to know about the other Mental Health Series blogs and resources. Sign up below: