I never truly prepared myself for writing this post but the longer I wait, it will evidently continue to be too challenging to write.
I am officially stepping aside and retiring from Team Canada.
There. I said it.
The decision to do so was not made until a couple of months ago when decisions about Volley Nations League were under way. Due to covid and NCAA postponing their season until the Spring, coach Tom Black was simply unable to come back and coach the team. Not long after, Volleyball Canada announced that Shannon Winzer would be taking over as head coach, who had come back after a long stint in Australia to coach the B team and Next Gen team over the past couple of years.
Rewind back two years ago, we had gone all the way in the VNL qualifier which was a huge accomplishment in itself and found ourselves playing in the finals vs. Czech Republic. The winner would have the one and only ticket into the prestigious Volley Nations League which is generally a 5 or 6 week tournament all over the world with the 16 top ranked teams. You spend a week at each tournament and play three games on the weekend then fly to the next destination on the Monday which usually happens to be on the other side of the world. Against all odds that game, with our star outside hitter Autumn Bailey suffering a big knee injury, we battled back and won the match.
Fast forward to January where we played in the Olympic Qualifiers, the third of my career. Once again I was so sure that we could and would do it. My belief in the team has never once wavered at each of the Olympic Qualifiers I have played in. One of the most chill-worthy moments of my career happened prior to our last match where I asked every member of the team to say something along the lines of “I believe we will qualify for the Olympics today.” Heart in hand, everyone took their turn looking into the eyes of our teammates, declaring this statement. Now over a year later, I can say that we went all in. The act of vulnerability in sports and in life is what propels you to the next level. It’s taking a chance on your dreams and in that moment, it was just me and my teammates. I am going to remember that moment for the rest of my life.
It’s hard to describe how vulnerable you have to be to enter this job wholeheartedly. Break apart and then begin to pick up the pieces time and time again. Change under new staff year after year and adapt to new players coming into the program and your role changing without warning. Dreams being recharged and dreams being broken. It is a constant ebb and flow of breaking under pressure, rising to the occasion, letting yourself down, and being brave enough to start again. Vulnerability is engrained in what we do every single day.
All that to say is the squad that qualified for VNL was really ready to take on the world together last summer. Despite having a few teammates who were looking to retire, we all knew the importance of having our best group going into the tournament so we could solidify enough wins to stay in VNL for the following summer; an extremely important piece of the growth of the program moving forward. However due to covid, our National Team season was cancelled and VNL was postponed until May 2021.
That is a long winded back story and explanation of a lot of things (sorry!). It was an amazing turning point in our program to win the qualifiers and find ourselves competing amongst the top 16 teams in the world. Yet many of us were planning to end our careers AFTER VNL with the squad who qualified. As with everything else, covid really through a wrench into things and many athletes were forced to make the heart breaking decision to retire last year without having one more stint with the team.
I had full intentions of playing this summer but with mine and Rudy’s new venture coming into full swing this summer (find our new WINERY on instagram @valleycommons), I made the decision to step away from Team Canada. I would have loved to be a player to help bridge the gap between new players coming into the program and coming alongside Shannon to help propel the team into this new era, but I won’t be able to do that from the court.
LOOKING BACK
To really sit down and summarize my career into a few paragraphs or a blog post seems unfair and a disservice to the hours of hard work I have put in over the past fifteen years. And I guess that’s why athletes really struggle with this monumental change post-retirement. You may or may not have a university degree and you may or may not have a small inkling on what you want to do after sports, but majority of athletes retire and are left standing there thinking “okay… what now?”
I have dedicated over half of my life to Team Canada so it seems like a bad dream that it’s suddenly all over. Back in grade 10 when I was just 15 years old I went to tryout for the Junior National Team, in my head thinking that this was simply good exposure for years to come. Player upon player came out of their meetings saying they had made the team so I entered my meeting with low expectations. Low and behold I had made the team (fun fact I was a middle during this time and actually got recruited to UBC as a middle blocker!) and thus started my 15 year stint, traveling and competing with the Canadian flag on my chest.
Volleyball Canada had asked me to answer a few questions for a press releases a couple of months ago but again, it seemed impossible to sum up this unique and special time in my life with just a few answers. It also felt like an impossible feat so that email sat in my inbox for over three weeks (sorry Jackie!). In the end, I am so aware that it’s my memories that I have with Team Canada that are the most important thing moving forward. That’s essentially all there is left. The program sees extreme change from coaches to staff to players in and out of the program at a rapid rate. But the beauty of sports it that the team continues moving forward. If you’re not on the inside it can sure feel like you’re being left behind, but that’s what makes a legacy so strong. Every single amazing woman who has competed with the women’s National Team has given something to the program and as it takes all of the pieces from everyone and continues moving forward, it becomes stronger. It’s taken a long time to realize that.
I take solace in the fact that my belief for this team has never wavered since day one, since I first made the A team back when I was 17 years old. I came onto the scene with eyes wide open, knowing what an honour it was to be sharing the court with players like Tammy Mahon, Larissa Cundy, Annie Levesque, Tiffany Dodds, Tasha Holness. I took no moment for granted. I ate up everything and anything they said, taking mental notes of what they were doing on and off the court, how they prepared for matches, what they did in training every day, how they interacted with their coaches and teammates, and how they held themselves and one another to the highest standard. I had never seen anything like it. I silently learned what it meant to be a National Team athlete and the dedication and sacrifice that came with the job. Every summer I would pack up my bags and head off to Winnipeg, Manitoba sometimes not returning until September or October (made possible by Doug Reimer, a true champion for allowing his university players to return to UBC a little later than others). When I first arrived on the Team Canada scene in 2007, I trained under a Japanese coach called Mia (Naoki Miyashita) for the first year. All I can remember are the cardio warm-ups we did with our trained Karrie (who in my first practice wouldn’t let me grab water during ladder/sprint drills when I thought I was going to be sick) and Mia throwing balls across two side by side courts; the second ball being thrown just as you were starting to dive for the first. That was defence practice. He would allow you to finish the drill when he decided it was time which was usually after about 7 minutes of straight sprints. The following year Volleyball Canada hired Arnd Ludwig from Germany and we continued to train out of Winnipeg, Manitoba. My first quadrennial I was playing against the best of Team USA, Brasilian super stars, fighting for an Olympic berth, and traveling Argentina in a double decker bus for almost a month (still one of the most mentally challenging trips I’ve ever done!). We played in-front of 10,000 screaming fans in Cusco, Peru where the elevation and the energy simultaneously made us feel something crazy! We trained out of the University of Manitoba, doing our best to manage changing gym times, not having our own Team Canada locker room, and living on campus in the dorms. Only a few of the girls had cars at the time so once a week an older veteran would have to car pool us to Superstore where we could do a big grocery haul. Dairy Queen was a 35minute walk down the highway but definitely well deserved, as we lifted heavier and harder than I ever have in my entire life and practiced for 3 or 3 and a half hours two times a day, every single day except Sunday. During these years, I learned how to push myself beyond its limits. Head down and put in the work.
My second quadrennial with the squad was picking up the pieces after more than half of the players retired. It felt like an impossible task to try and rebuild the team that I had become comfortable with. Of course, with any sports team you learn how, other players become leaders, and a new identity is created. I was a leader on the team who now had a few years of big games and experiences under me. We had a few players that were making breaks into the larger markets overseas and finding new agents to represent us. Prior to that, there was one maybe two Canadian agents who represented the whole squad, but we needed to find individuals who could get us the contracts we deserved. The momentum we had from this group of hard working, talented athletes can be seen in the potential of the younger players I have played with in the past few years. We are in bigger markets, in bigger teams, playing in Champions League and CEV with some of the best in the world, but I feel that in these four years we took some individual risks which greatly benefited our future teammates. Currently, our players are being represented by some of the best agents and companies out there, and it’s showing in our international and National Team experience. From the years 2013-2016, we competed in Grand Prix that was hosted all over the world (similar to what the Volley Nations League is), went back to Argentina and Peru for a whirlwind tour, competed in my second World Championships in Italy and hosted and competed in the Toronto Pan Am Games, just to name a few. And walking into a roaring Canadian crowd during the opening ceremonies of the 2015 Pan am Games in Toronto with the full Canadian Team delegation was something I will always remember.
Back in 2016 I thought we were going to qualify for the Olympics and when we didn’t, it was hugely devastating. We needed just one win against Puerto Rico to take us there, a team that we had beat many many times before. To this day it is still one of the toughest volleyball losses I have ever experienced.
The following year we said goodbye to coach Lupo and to the city of Winnipeg which had housed the women’s National Team for literal decades (hard to believe!). But it was time for a change and a fresh start. We had seen the men’s team leave Winnipeg four years before us and took positive steps, remoulding the program as a whole. And well, if we wanted change, change is what we got. Sprinkled throughout the cities of Vancouver and Richmond, we tried our best to become comfortable in our new home and surroundings. Through Marcello Abbondanza, one of the most decorated coaches in the world, we made huge gains by working harder than we had ever before, both physically and mentally (the mental game was the biggest challenge for these two years and it definitely took a toll on all of us!). Marcello was brutal, but he was someone who tried to drill into our heads at how much potential we had. He was the first one to speak out and say that our players could compete with the best in the world and that first year our performance had a huge spike. Nothing was excused in practice and mistakes were outwardly highlighted again and again, sometimes directly after the matches we played. Unfortunately during the second year, fear became the predominant ruler and everyone’s mental health took a huge downwards spiral. It was simply not maintainable. At the end of that year I competed in my third World Championships with Team Canada representing my team and country with the captain bar. Despite the hardships we were facing with our coaching staff, I was so proud to be there with my teammates who had all sacrificed so much to get there. It was a very emotional tournament for many reasons but the girls were my anchor.
After these two years with Marcello we had another head coaching change along with entirely new staff, this time under USA coach Tom Black. In our first summer together we qualified for the Volley Nations League which as previously mentioned was an incredible feat. We quickly learned a brand new system (Gold Medal Squared) and tried to break apart skills that previous coaches had spent so long trying to engrain in us. Tom was a phenomenal coach who we all learned an incredible amount from. I know that everyone will take that information moving forward. He was intentional with his time with every player and really cared about us as humans first.
THE NOW
And then here we are in the present moment. Professional seasons worldwide finished up not too long ago. Most players stayed in Europe after their seasons, took a few weeks off before training camp, completed training camp, and then flew down to Rimini, Italy for the VNL bubble. VNL sure does look different this year but I am beyond excited to watch this new group kill it on the world stage. Just like it has in the past, the group will find its own individual footing and identity, go through growing pains and push the limit under their new fearless coach. Personally, playing for Shannon was one of the pulls to continue. A strong female leader taking on the legacy of Team Canada who has the potential to take the squad all the way? Sign me up. Since the first day she walked into the Richmond Oval a few years ago, I quickly had the utmost respect for her. She was coaching the B team on her own at the time, attending every single A team practice to learn everything Tom was saying and learning how to run (and what was) the Gold Medal Squared system. She didn’t get a crash course in that system, she just simply had to observe and learn on the sidelines and then a few hours later take it back to her Next Gen players and teach them, despite just learning for herself. OH, she also has three young kids. And one more thing: her husband was still in Australia for the summer before meeting her in Canada. Yet she never missed a practice or an opportunity to learn. Like I said, remarkable. Badass. Fearless. I am the biggest fan.
Am I sad to not be there? Of course. I am still full of raw emotions when I think of the teammates that have recently retired and those that will continue representing Canada. I thought it would be hard to be a front line supporter to the National Team after I announced my retirement, assuming that the raw feelings of grief and retirement would be too heavy to handle. But I am fortunately not in that place at all. After many months of reflecting, I have nothing but love for this group moving forward, my heart feels completely free to wholeheartedly support the girls. My teammates far and wide are after all, why I continued to play for as long as I did. The drive to be the best you can be, the best in the world, and push one another to do the same is priceless. Teammates became sisters and family. On and off the court you are there for one another through thick and thin and find a way to persevere through even the toughest trials. I had continued and renewed inspiration from all the women I trained and competed with throughout my three quadrennials on the team. I learned everything I could from the older athletes when I first joined the squad, soaking up everything they did and said. I was pushed and inspired by the younger athletes coming into the program over the past few years, with renewed hope for the future and fresh ideas for our identity and the standard we held ourselves to. I want you all to know I will fondly remember each and every one of you. And although there are too many names to type, know that I am beyond grateful for your contribution to this program and for inspiring me on my own journey in the process of yours.
It is of course the most challenging thing to step away from Team Canada but both Rudy and myself are excited for the next chapter. I am still extremely passionate about the program’s vision and propelling it forward where it needs and deserves to be so I don’t think my time with the team has completely come to a close. Since day 1, being a mentor to young aspiring athletes is still very much part of my heart and I will continue to seek out those opportunities. I started my first website 9 years ago now with the sole purpose of showcasing my amazing teammates and giving our supporters a bit of a behind the scenes look into our lives with Team Canada. I knew that our team needed more media coverage so I thought okay, I guess I’ll just take it into my own hands. I wanted people to know my teammates for who they are as a person, not just as an athlete.
My belief in this program and what these women can do has never once wavered over the fifteen years I have represented Team Canada and I am so proud of myself for that and the determination I have had after all this time. I wholeheartedly believed that we would qualify for the Olympics for the past 3 qualifiers and I would represent Canada on the biggest sporting world stage. That has been my goal since I was a little girl. Unfortunately, that was not a part of my story. But I know it doesn’t end here and in fact, it just becomes more clear and bright for my teammates who will continue on this legacy that I hope I had a small part in.
To thank everyone is impossible. From club coaches, camp coaches, retired athletes, mentors, friends, teammates, and fans, I believe that everyone propelled me forward on this journey. My family was of course the constant pillar for me, beginning my love affair with sports and competition at the earliest age. My parents allowed me to be away from home every single summer since I was 15 and even previous to that, spending months at various camps and Summer Games teams, their sacrifice was tremendous for me to pursue my dream. Then we suffered colossal loss as a family back in 2013 when my brother passed away suddenly, which also happened to be at the very start of my professional career. Between summers with Team Canada and professional seasons abroad for the past nine years, it only gave us a few weeks together a year, a pretty devastating fact when you’re trying to rebuild yourself as a family and stay afloat as an individual. To say they were the ones that helped me navigate through extreme grief and loss all the while performing at the highest level day in and day out, would be an understatement. They gave me strength and love to pursue my goals and represent Canada around the world when my heart was broken and encouraged me on my hardest days.
And of course to my brother Connor who I have held in my heart since the day he left this earth, where I find constant inspiration from and attribute my work ethic and drive to what he was setting out to do in the golf world. I carried an angel in my pocket for the past eight years of my career. I didn’t have to try hard to be grateful for my journey and everything that was happening in the present moments because I knew how much of a gift that really was.
I want to end this very long blog aka small novel by saying that I am beyond proud of how we as a group of strong, passionate women, held onto our belief against all odds and fought through adversity to get to the other side. From last year to my first year with the A team in 2008, that narrative has not changed. I know that these experiences have shaped us all and we have grown into ourselves as athletes and more importantly as people; most of all myself who has learned about grit, tenacity, faith, and love throughout my 15 years representing Team Canada. Thank you to my teammates, my family and the supporters who have played a pivotal role in something I have dedicated the majority of my life to. I am beyond grateful for each and every one of you.
You’ll be seeing me around, I’m sure of it. x