Last year’s professional season down in Lima, Peru was the first time I actually wrote down my short(-er) term goals. I had a couple lofty individual goals and I was curious to see what would happen if I penned these aspirations onto physical paper. It’s not like I never wrote down my goals or knew the exact thing that I want to achieve. Especially during New Years, I always think of resolutions and goals that I want to achieve within the year, both athletically and in my life off the court. But last year was the first time I sat down and really thought them out. I came up with one, three, and five year goals. I wrote it down with a pen and paper, and it felt awesome.
Even though I am more of a “let’s see what happens” kind of human, or a “work super hard for something and see where life takes you” girl, it felt like a nice change of pace to write everything down. It gave breath to my dreams. I felt more in control during the day to day activities of what my future could look like. Paired with a realistic outlook, knowing there are hiccups along the way that I would have to adapt to, I feel that this has helped me come out of the fog, so to speak.
It’s no secret that for the last couple of years I have been struggling with anxiety and depression after the loss of my younger brother. I was doing well in volleyball but the inner battles I was experiencing inside was at an all time high. I was in the darkest place I have ever been in my entire life.
Since Connor has passed away, journalling has been my main way to deal with the struggles and hardships of loss. As my grief progressed and my mental health unfortunately plummeted, I found that journalling was one of the most helpful things that I could have been doing (alongside seeing a specialist who I could talk to in complete confidence). It was a way to get out everything that I was feeling and more often than not, come to some form of conclusion at the end. I always found answers in my writing, even if it was just accepting that this is a really tough season and the best thing to do would be to feel hard and then continue pushing through.
However, it’s one thing to write down your feelings and whatever else is in your brain. It was actually much harder to admit my dreams and goals than I originally imagined which covered everything from my mental and physical health to my marriage to my volleyball dreams.
Physically writing down your goals and aspirations is essentially digging up the deep desires of your heart. You then have to have the courage to write them down. And believe me when I say that it takes a lot more vulnerability to do this than I had originally thought. It was slightly terrifying.
This past season in Peru I decided to write down my goals, starting with volleyball. I had never done this before because I always felt it was so obvious and straight forward; I want to be a starting player, be the best I can, and help my team win as many games as possible. My professional team in Peru were defending league championships and we still had a very strong team. Despite a few mishaps to start the second half of the season, including our head coach and strength coach getting fired and me going head first into the side of the score table, we were ranked mid pack of the league. However, I still had a lot of confidence in all my teammates that we could pull together and win the league. I decided to write it down.
I wrote down the seasons goals of: winning the Peruvian League title and being named league MVP.
It felt vulnerable to write that down, so much so that I didn’t even want to share it with my husband Rudy. I thought that if I admitted that’s what I was working toward and then it didn’t happen, it could potentially be more disappointing or embarrassing. But I pushed those thoughts away and I decided to jump fully in. Those goals were in the forefront of my mind every day, more so than they would have been if I just thought about them on occasion. I went into training every day with the intention of being the hardest worker in the gym and perform as well as I could which would hopefully then propel my teammates around me to do the same. Thus raising the level of training would better prepare my teammates and I for tough matches.
To write these goals down gave them power. It gave them worth. It gave me purpose.
In the semi finals we had a match up against the team we had played in the finals the previous season. I personally thought they were the most dangerous team because their players were some of the most talented in the league but they just hadn’t figured out how to play with each other (but it could happen at any moment!). Jaamsa was playing awesome and were up 2-1 in sets and up about 15-10 in the fourth set. We literally clawed our way back to win that set. We were then down 12-10 in the fifth set once again. We could have lost that match but we came back battling against the odds; the team that wasn’t necessary the one “on” that night but we dug our teeth in so to speak and grinded it out. We continued to the finals the following weekend and went up against the Cinderella story. I am fairly certain that the entire country of Peru was cheering against us. Circollo was the last ranked team coming out of league but they took down the number one ranked team in playoffs and proceeded to have upset after upset until they got to us in the finals. Long story short: the game was also intense. They beat us in the first game but we squeezed out a second game win and forced a third which we ended up winning. Whewf.
We won the championship in the third and deciding match against a crowd and country (I’m really not being dramatic) who so badly wanted to see USMP dethroned. During the medal ceremony, I was also named Best Spiker for the 2018-2019 season.
Here is something that I wrote last April before the championship:
“Even though I think we default to wanting life to be easy, it means we would then never have to persevere. We would never get the opportunity to learn so much about ourselves through those difficult times or learn what it really takes to make it through to the other side. It’s the same as in sport; we want to win the games, of course, but blow-outs just aren’t very fulfilling. That’s not actually what we want. That’s not actually why we play. The games that are down to the wire are the ones that we remember for the rest of our lives. It’s these games that the fans will always remember. And I for one will definitely remember all of the cheering, running, air-plane-ing celebrations that happened during and after we won that last hard-fought point of the semis and then the finals. ”
Going after your dreams isn’t an easy thing to do. It is vulnerable, it can get messy, and it is absolutely going to be hard. It takes a lot of grit, passion, determination, sacrifice, self reflection, and honesty.
Just because you write down your goals does not mean things will magically transpire into everything you wanted. But I really do believe that it gives some power to your goals and dreams. It makes them more attainable, somehow. It registers in your brain that you believe it just a little bit more and maybe that little bit of extra belief will be what it all comes down to in the end.
As some of you know, I just competed in my third Olympic Qualifiers. Many of my teammates and I had it written down in various journals, post-it on the wall, or on notes taped to the top of our ceiling so we could see those words every morning; Tokyo 2020. Even though we didn’t qualify, one thing was abundantly clear: we truly believed that we could do it. Four years ago at the Olympic Qualifier I also felt that the team we had was talented enough to do it. Unfortunately what I found out a few years later was that not everyone felt the same. This was beyond disappointing. With this recent squad, however, we started using the Olympics in our every day language. For years we were preparing for this tournament in our language with each other and with ourselves. The moment before we played the match against the Dominican Republic, I asked all of my teammates to go around in our huddle and state that we would qualify for Tokyo. Every single person did and I felt that we were so connected to this goal we had worked and sacrificed so much for.
We didn’t qualify for the Olympics but I truly have no regrets in our preparation. I think that’s why I was able to pick myself up faster than I had originally anticipated. I know in my heart that I did everything possible to ensure that my teammates and I were ready. We went all in. We were vulnerable and brave and I am deeply proud of the group for what they did.
We went all in and although we didn’t achieve the goal, I have no regrets.
I think that’s what happens when you put it all out on the line.
And as I finish up my volleyball career this year and transition to the next phase of life this year, you can bet on me continuing to write down all the things and diving head first into those things that I want to accomplish.
Cheers my friends,
Kyla xx
PS. If you have any experiences with writing down goals, dreams, or aspirations etc. and you’ve experienced them come to fruition (or not), I would LOVE to hear your stories and what you learned along the way! Please leave a message in the comments — I would love to read + respond!